Why People Ghost

WHAT IS GHOSTING?

People have been using impersonal methods to end romantic relationships since the invention of the “Dear John” letter.  With the emergence of technological means of communication, ending relationships has become increasingly more impersonal. Chances are that If you have ventured into the dating world, you have experienced an extremely impersonal but common breakup strategy: ghosting.

You may have even experienced this with co-workers, friends, or relatives.

Ghosting has been defined as unilaterally cutting off contact with someone and ignoring their attempts to reach out. It is generally used in reference to romantic relationships but can refer to any scenario where contact is unexpectedly cut off, such as friendships and even family relationships.

Social media unfollowing is an important aspect of ghosting. The “ghoster” may unfriend, unfollow, or block the “ghostee,” and may go as far as closing social media accounts to avoid contact.

The bottom line is that if you’ve made repeated efforts to contact a romantic partner/friend and they don’t respond, you’ve likely experienced ghosting.

Ghosting appears to be a common occurrence. According to a study released by the Pew Research Center in 2020, three-in-ten American adults say they have been ghosted. Younger adults (ages 18-29) report the experience most, with 42 percent reporting they’ve been ghosted. 

In another study, over half of the 260 participants reported that ghosting was used to terminate a recent relationship. 

Interestingly, the Pew study reported that only eight percent of adults in the dating market say they would intentionally ghost someone. Forty percent stated they would proactively contact the other person to communicate a break-up, and fifty-two percent stated that while they wouldn’t initiate contact, if contacted by the other person they would respond and communicate their desire to end the relationship.

WHY PEOPLE GHOST

Experts say that ghosters are probably not being malicious. Rather, they are likely trying to avoid a stressful situation they don’t feel capable of handling. And there are many factors that can contribute to this avoidance.

Some people ghost because they want to avoid that awkward break-up conversation and don’t want to have to deal with the other person’s hurt feelings.  Or they ghost because of a desire to protect the other person’s feelings, figuring it is better to ghost someone than to reject them directly.

A factor that may diminish a ghoster’s ability to deal with the stress of ending a relationship is the high level of stress in our current world – political, environmental, health, and other concerns. People may feel emotionally exhausted and unable to face unpleasant situations, and ghosting is an easy way out.

In one study, participants admitted ghosting because they lacked communication skills to have an open and honest conversation, and they lacked confidence in their ability to communicate a difficult message.

Others reported ghosting because they were experiencing emotional or sexual feelings they weren’t ready to pursue, or they were afraid the relationship was going to the next level and didn’t feel ready.

Another factor contributing to ghosting in the dating world is option overload/fatigue. Internet dating offers lots of choices and online daters are quick to move on. Ghosting allows for a fast transition to someone new.

Some ghosters use avoidance/withdrawal or passive aggressive strategies when dealing with relationships in general, so ghosting comes naturally to them.

Forty-five percent of participants in one study cited ghosting because of safety concerns. People ghosted to remove themselves from toxic, unpleasant, or unhealthy situations. Experts agree that it is always acceptable to ghost when a person is abusive or makes you feel unsafe, or if you find out the person is married or participating in illegal or unsavory activities. You don’t owe these folks an explanation for cutting off contact.

THE EFFECTS OF GHOSTING

Ghostees can experience a host of negative emotions, including shock, rejection, sadness, hurt, anger, disappointment, disillusionment, grief/loss, and shame. They can also experience depression, poor self-esteem, and low self-worth.

Ghostees often experience confusion, leading to re-examining the relationship and last conversation for warning signs. Sometimes paranoia can creep in as a ghostee tries to make sense of the situation. 

Long-term effects of ghosting can include feelings of mistrust which are sometimes brought into later relationships. Ghostees may also internalize the rejection, leading to self-blame, fear of intimacy, and the potential to sabotage new relationships.

There are negative effects to the ghoster as well:

Some ghosters experience feelings of remorse and guilt.

The ghoster misses out on acquiring important relationship skills, such as using communication to work out problems. 

In many cases, ghosting is either a passive-aggressive or cowardly way to end a relationship, neither of which lead to personal growth or satisfying relationships.

If you’ve been ghosted, take comfort in knowing that ghosting is more about the ghoster than the ghostee.  Use the experience as an opportunity for some gentle self-reflection, which may lead to insight, personal positive change, and increased resilience.

And if you are a person who tends to unnecessarily ghost others, you can become aware of the short and long-term negative effects to yourself and the people you ghost, and find ways to increase your capacity to tolerate stressful situations and improve your communication skills.  This can lead to kinder, healthier ways of ending relationships and a greater capacity for developing and maintaining satisfying relationships in the future.

By Connie Powers Mohawk LPC, NCC

Connie is a retired psychotherapist and an adjunct professor for Lac Courte Oreilles Ojibwe University and Northwood Technical College in northwestern Wisconsin.

Resources:

Brown, A. (2020, August 20). Nearly Half of US Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years. Pew Research Center.

Collins, T.J., Thomas, A. & Harris, E. (September 2023). Personal Relationships.

Dubar, R.T. (2022, June 16). When Texts Suddenly Stop: Why People Ghost on Social Media.

Gould, W. R. (2023, November 2). What is Ghosting? Verywellmind.com